Contentment in Singleness
This is a topic I’ve wanted to write about for a looong time. I think there are a lot of people out there who can relate to the struggle of wanting to wait for the right person, but still desiring a relationship now and growing impatient with the waiting. Over time, God and I have been doing a lot chatting about this topic because a Godly relationship has always been a desire of mine. If you’re in a similar spot as me, hopefully, some of the things He’s been teaching me will help you too.
The first thing I want to mention is that I don’t view contentment (in a lot of circumstances) as something you can permanently achieve. I used to think one day I would get close enough to God to be fully content and never again be discouraged by the waiting. But of course that is not how that works. I view contentment in singleness more like a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Life is full of ups and downs and at the end of the day, we’re only human. It’s natural to desire to be with another person and that desire isn’t bad, but for me at least, there are certain seasons where desire turns into discontentment. Sometimes I’m totally vibing living my single girl life, spending intentional time with friends, pursuing my relationship with the Lord, and being totally invested in what He is doing in my current season. It’s not that the desire for a relationship is gone, but I’m focused on what the Lord is doing in the present and have joy in the purpose he has for me. But then all of a sudden things can take a turn. I read a romance novel, watch The Summer I Turned Pretty, or get the news that ANOTHER person I know is getting engaged. I’m suddenly very aware of my singleness. The lies come that say because I didn’t meet my husband at 18 during my college orientation I’m never getting married. Totally insane right?! But I’ve talked to other people who feel the same. If you’re going through a season of discontentment, I promise you it’s NORMAL. But then we have to ask the question, what do we do about it? Even though you may go through ups and downs with your feelings, drawing back to Jesus is how we reground ourselves in the contentment only He can provide.
So flashback to my first semester of college. I was feeling frustrated with being single, but I was trying to convince myself and everyone else that I totally didn’t care and that I fully trusted God. I was on the phone with my youth pastor telling him all this but he knows me well enough to tell how I really felt. He said, “Regan, you know it’s ok if you don’t feel that way right?” He then told me about the passage in Genesis where Jacob literally wrestles with God. He said that if you’re upset about something, God already knows and he’s not afraid of it. You can talk to him about how you’re really feeling about it and let him speak into it. So the next day I sat outside and decided to do some “wrestling” with God myself. I sat down and pretty much told him how hard it was for me to wait and that I was getting frustrated. I asked him if there was anything he could tell me about the person I should be with, or things to help encourage me. I then opened to where I was currently reading in the Bible which was 1 Corinthians 13. You’ve probably heard this passage quoted at weddings…
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
As I was reading I thought about how God loves me perfectly in this way, this is how I’m called to love others, and it’s how my future husband would be called to love me. I read it again and the part about love not being proud stood out to me and I realized that may be a hard one for me. I love to lead and be the one who has the most wisdom, but I’m going to be looking to my future husband as a spiritual leader. This means not only do I need to humble myself, but God also wants someone for me who is worthy of leading me and my future family in faith. That just set the bar SO much higher. As I continued reading, I felt the Lord revealing more standards to me and I started writing them down. I then looked at the cross references on the side of the passage which I never usually do. I picked a completely random one and flipped there. You’ll never guess what the passage was. JACOB WRESTLES WITH GOD! So crazy!! That was the confirmation I needed that God was meeting me in my discouragement. He told me that he wants to encourage me in this waiting season. I often viewed singleness as God just not wanting to give me a relationship or that he thinks I’m not worthy of one. But I felt him say that he knows how hard it is for me to wait and it breaks His heart to see me upset, but he also has a purpose in it so he wants to reveal these standards to me over time to encourage me to keep waiting and praying for the person he’s going to bring.
Since then, God has revealed more standards to me in a variety of different ways. If you ever wanna hear about them please reach out I’d love to chat about it! I share this with you guys to encourage you to do your own “wrestling” with God. It may look different for you and God may respond differently than he did with me because he is so personal to each of us, but he wants to encourage you and meet you in your areas of question.
ALSO! I’ve been learning that a relationship is not something you can earn. I talked to my best friend about how I was feeling and she pointed me to John 10:10 in which Jesus says…
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
God calls us to an abundant life that we only receive by him alone. This means that whatever season God has you in is the most abundant life for you right now. My friend said, “It’s not like singleness is lacking and a relationship means you’ve earned it. If God has you in a season of singleness for whatever reason that might be, it is because that is the condition He needs you in to experience abundant life right now. So if singleness right now IS abundant life meaning it lacks absolutely nothing, then there is nothing to earn. You don’t graduate singleness and earn a relationship. You experience abundant life and God’s blessing in every season that you walk with Him, whether you’re single or in a relationship. The meaning of abundant life is experiencing the goodness of God. His goodness is constant and it cannot be earned.”
WOW. First of all how blessed am I to have a friend like her. Second, it tied right into something God spoke to me a few months earlier. I’m realizing I struggle with the lie that says I need to earn blessings (such as a relationship) from God and if I mess up, he won’t give me them or will take them away to punish me. But one day in the pool, I wrote down what I heard him speak to me:
“Daughter, don’t be afraid to mess up in my presence. Yes I have calls for you, yes I have plans for you but I know you’re not going to do it perfectly. I want to give you good gifts. If a father on earth wants to give good gifts to his children, how much more will your father in Heaven desire to give good gifts of the spirit to his children? When you think a wrong thought or get distracted by guys or earthly things, I’m not just going to take it from you on the spot. I’m not here to punish you. I give blessings freely you don’t have to earn them and feel like you’re walking on eggshells so I won’t take them away. I’m using situations to teach you and maybe sometimes that means a relationship ends or you stop talking to a certain guy or I call you to give something up, but it’s not because you’ve made a mistake to upset me, it’s because I love you and want to refine you for the amazing plans I have for you. Rejoice in that.”
God has been consistently highlighting that he gives freely and not by my own earnings. But also, that his presence alone is all I need and should seek, even without the blessings. This has all been so encouraging for me in my singleness. I know that there is nothing to earn, and during the times I get discouraged I can look back on the standards God has laid out for me and get excited about what’s to come. They also ground me as I evaluate and discern what relationships will be honoring to him. Now trust me. I know I am still going to wish the circumstances could be different sometimes and desire to a Christ-centered relationship, but I also know that even when those feelings come I can continue to draw back to Jesus and trust him as provider and trust his timing and purpose. I pray all of the singles reading this right now would experience the same peace and continually step into the purpose that God has for them right now.
